#52 – April 22, 1991

#52 – April 22, 1991 (7:45AM)
Georgian Forest Elementary, Silver Spring, MD

Your school is a joy – especially to you – going back to Greece, to KG*, as good as it may be comparatively, will be difficult for you. There will be too much to compare and within no time at all, you did compare:

“In Greece, all we do is read, read, read and write, write, write. Here we write our own stories, we do hand on activities. I like it here better.”

This morning the ladies of the school were to invite a special man to breakfast and Christianna, you invited your brother. You’re both inside eating right now, feeling very important and I hope without incident. You were both proud as punch, feeling so special – so sweet.

There are lots of other things to write about – the most important though is that I’ve finally got a handle on why you would have so many negative outbursts. You held it all inside, sweetie. My illness bothered you inside and while I thought being together was enough to show you all is well, and all will be well. I guess it wasn’t.

About a month ago, you asked Karen if she were “more sick” than I. She had a cold and stayed home, “Mommy’s going to die, because she’s taking strong medicine and it kills good things and bad things. And it’s going to kill all the good and she’s going to die.”

That was the beginning, since you started talking about it, you’re much better. You’re not so suddenly negative. I hadn’t realized that you were so worried. I figured that since you were with me, could see that I was fine, that was enough. Apparently not.

With this disease, with this treatment,  sweetheart, I don’t get any feedback. I don’t know if the treatment is working or not, so I wasn’t telling you things like, “I’m better,” etc., because there was nothing to tell. I do now, though, because I know you need to hear it.

You are obsessed with my being sick. You tell everyone, “we are here because my mommy’s sick.”

Your school did a project about 4 leaf clovers – your wish was for mommy to get better. Often, you’ll tell me to lie down to get my rest. There was an advertisement about contouring chair, you wanted us to buy it so, “you can relax, mommy.”

You’re the type to hold things in, sweetie – you shouldn’t though – I’m trying to encourage you to get your hurt and anger out when you feel it. Bottling it up will only hurt you more, Christianna. You don’t have to be tough on the outside- that’s what you do now – you play it tough, nothing hurts – nothing can get you. But it does. Work at getting things out, okay sweetheart.

I’m not sure, but the other side of that same coin is when people compliment you, as soon as you’re complimented, you start telling people to “go away,” “leave me alone,” or dancing / playing around. You get embarrassed, I guess. You don’t want to be vulnerable, you don’t want to be the center of attention. You’re more attracted to people who “ignore” you, those who lavish you with attention are more than likely to get a dirty look or a brushing away than those who simply nod a hello and pass on by.

On the 15^th of March you said your first, “When I grow up, I want to be…” Your first was, “a teacher, like Mrs. Brown.” I wonder how many of those we’ll hear by the time you do grow up and are… my sweet, bright little girl.

You’re sounding more and more like a little American, using terms like “gross” or “cool,” or “no way, Jose” or “count me out.” You sound so grown up – then, your vocabulary is rather rich – things like “charming,” “lovely,” or “situation,” and “starvation.” I can’t think of the really big ones now, but you hear them and use them.

“The American way” has affected you and so you, my 6-year-old, talk about a boy you’ve rejected for boyfriend candidacy and about Tracy, your friend who was “dumped” (do you know what dumped is, mommy?) by Ryan.

“Tracy loves Ryan, because he’s charming and cool.”

The plan to get Tracy and Ryan together again, all of Tracy’s friends will say they hate her and then Ryan will want Tracy back – don’t ask how – “it was Tracy’s idea.”

You resisted Greek classes with Ελεάνα and Miss Mary**, but even here, it was almost as though my illness bothered you so much that you had to punish me. You know it was important to me that you do the Greek and yet every single time you’d create a scene, until you started talking about your fears and then you started doing your Greek without crying and fighting.

You’re doing really well, sweetheart. I can see and hear the improvement. I’m so proud of you. It is a lot to ask of you to learn two languages as though they are equally important. You can’t get behind in Greek, so you’re learning them both. It’s been hard, but you’re doing wonderfully. I am really proud of you.

You’re getting my illness out of your system, but there is still some anger in you. It comes out usually when something pleases me, then you’ll get angry. You miss daddy and blame me and while you’re happy here, especially with school . You miss the comfort and security of our home.

You’ll be an American on Friday, sweetheart – naturalized. I fought hard for this, you must have the choice in your life. This place is special honey, it’s got its good and its bad – like anywhere else – but the good it offers can’t be found elsewhere in the world. Take advantage of it, incorporate its principles of life in your life.

 

Christianna’s Notes & Translations

*”KG” are the initials of the name of the private school Philip and I attended, before transferring to ACS Athens for high school
** Eleana and Miss Mary were Greek graduate students who tutored me while we were in the States, teaching me the first grade curriculum I would have been learning in Greece

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